It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten to do a post! I went on a little hiatus for the holidays and during that time... my worst nightmare happened I turned 30! Yes, you read that right! Thanks to a few extremely amazing friends, Mark & Cole they all made a rather rough birthday a pretty great one. Taking the time off is similar to the background of this post. 2018 was the year about my relationships. Building and strengthening them and really putting the people who mean the most to me, my focus. This year I am changing it up a bit, I am slowing down and making myself the priority. I am doing things, having relationships, going places… etc. because they either bring me joy or because it’s what I want to do in the moment. I saw a music video today, one that accurately depicts how I have been living since getting sick. It shows how I have chosen to move and live life, when I’m paralyzed, when I spend months in the hospital or weeks sick at a time people constantly ask why I choose to still be happy.
The answer is simple I CHOOSE TO BE.
It’s not easy.
Every day I wake up angry.
Angry at the life I lost, at the friends that have dwindled and fizzled out of my life.
Angry at all the things I can’t do anymore.
Angry at all the time that I’ve lost with Cole.
Angry at the time I've lost with Mark.
Angry at all the times I had to miss life, miss an event, a holiday, a birthday, miss out on all the things I used to take such an active role in.
I am so angry I could scream, jump up and down and cry. Yell and be mad for what feels like forever.
But what does anger solve?
Does anger give me my back the soccer games, holidays, the parties?
Does anger answer all the why me questions I ask every single day?
Does anger give me back my time?
My ability, my losses, my life?
The answer is no.
So, I choose to live. I choose happiness. I choose to look at everyday as if today I will stop walking, as if I won’t be able to speak again, as if today is the day I lose it all, not to relearn it all again. I spend a large portion of my time sick. But I bet you didn’t know that, because I choose to keep living, doing and playing joyfully, happily and living not as if it didn’t ever happen or doesn’t happen but because it did.
While everyone is making resolutions for the new year I want you to think of one that might not be a resolution but a new outlook. Learn to guide this next year through joy. When you look at your life now if you were to ask yourself these next few questions I wonder what the honest answers would be, they might surprise you.
This next year you should only do things after asking yourself:
What brings me joy?
How do I give joy?
Who brings me joy?
Where do I go to get joy?
Who do I give joy to?
If you are finding that the people in your life, the place you are currently living or the situation you are in doesn’t give your life the joy you need then why is it apart of your life?
If last year was the year I worked on my relationships finding my gratitude, this is the year I work on myself and find my joy. Life is way too short to sit around saying once I get to this point then I will do this, once I have this job then I’ll take that trip, once I am stable than I will go after that guy. What happens if once never comes. Honestly it sounds so cliché’ and it's because it's true. It is cliche'. Once came for me, in the form of a migraine that never went away that causes paralysis so bad doctors thought I would never walk again. Let alone swallow. But I did.
Once came in the form of me never getting to dance again because my tachycardia gets so bad just walking up the stairs is a struggle. But when I have a good day, even sometimes when I'm sitting I still do.
Once came and went stealing precious time from my little boy who watches his mom in pain as she tells him nope I am going to your last soccer game of the season, droopy and unbalanced despite the fact that he knows I would much rather be in bed. Because my time is precious and I refuse to allow anything to dictate how I choose to spend it.
While you are working on your resolutions, goals, going through your revelations find the joy. Find your reason as to why you get up in the morning, find the reason you choose to work the job you do, or why you choose to stay home with your kids. Find the joy in your significant other and why they are your person and why they became your person to begin with. Find out who you were, before you had kids, before you had the job, before you had the person, you were somebody and that somebody deserves all the joy in the world. When you make a resolution through joy it might be one that actually sticks.
My resolutions this year might seem simple but for me its going to take a lot of work, I am going to give joy to those around me by remembering to live through happiness not my circumstance. To remember that this is the year that I find who brings joy to my table. The year I remember wherever I go, joy will follow. The year I have joyful relationships with those closest to me. Because you is see joy is waiting, are you ready to put joy first.I am going to put joy first, at the center of my relationship’s with friends, family, but most of all with myself. Joy will be present at the start of every day making it my reason why I joyfully choose to concur the day. So that no matter what hurdle I jump, mountain I climb or bed I rest in I know it's by a choice and my choice through joy alone. Remember that today is the day, this year is your year. So find the joy that makes you want to conquer any goal you give yourself, any new year new me conquest you've set yourself on. This is the year that by giving yourself your happiness again you might find someone you forgot was there. The year can go many ways no matter what happens, it’s all in how you choose to conquer it, so I hope you choose to conquer this next year with me by bringing a little more joy into yours and my world.
Beginnings always hide themselves in ends, at some point I will be ok. -Mike Posner
